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Embracing My Being

I was the same guy that I had always been with one big exception.  I was a follower of Jesus, a husband, a father, a friend, a son, a brother, a pastor and a man who was going to have a heart transplant.  That last one was the one big exception.  Yes, I had known that this was a possibility for about a year, but knowing something to be a possibility and knowing that something is going to happen are two very different things.  Before I entered the hospital I was a follower of Jesus, a husband, a father, a friend, a son, a brother, a pastor and a man who was claiming total healing for my heart.  Well, now I knew how that healing was going to happen.

In a single moment my being had changed.  This change was the machine that I was raging against.  I had become very accustomed to being a man living with heart failure.  I knew what to do.  I knew what to expect on a daily basis.  I had settled into a routine and even though I didn’t want to be a man living with heart failure, I had grown very fond of my life and its pattern.  Now I had to become a man who was going to have a heart transplant.  I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t know what to expect.  I was unsettled in this new way of being because my life had to take on a new pattern.  I never got mad at God, but I did have to transition myself.  I went through all of the emotions of grief – denial, anger, rationalization and finally acceptance, in a five day window.  Talk about a crash course.  I guess that I had to go through it that quickly because at any moment a Transplant Coordinator could have come through my door saying, “It is time.”

God is very interested in who I am, very interested in my being at any given moment of my life.  This interest in my being is what drives my personal relationship with God.  God isn’t very interested in what I am doing, because God knows that if he can get me to concentrate, meditate, isolate, disseminate and contemplate who I am, my doing will fall in line.  I could not do a man who was going to have a heart a transplant.  I had to be a man who was going to have a heart transplant.  There are no cliff notes, no schematics, no blueprint for heart failure and the having a heart transplant.  Yes, there are some general commonalities, but every journey is quite unique.  I couldn’t be a man facing down the barrel of a heart transplant simply because I was sick and in the hospital.  I had to first and foremost claim my being.  I had to be a man facing down the barrel of a heart transplant so that I could make good decisions while I was sick and in the hospital.  I couldn’t do this new being without first embracing this new being.  That embracing took me five days.

Once I embraced my new being, what I would to do on a daily basis and how I would approach my life mentally and physically, all fell in line.  In fact, once God and I worked through my change of being issues, I never looked back.  I knew I had to eat well, walk as much as I could, treat my nurses with love and respect, trust my doctor, and be excited for what life will be like after I am healed.  Once I embraced my being I was able to put my eyes on the prize and work myself into the place where I wanted my new heart to come sooner rather than later.  Everyday I said “This is the day” not that my heart was coming, but the day that the Lord had made and I was going to rejoice and be glad in it even in a hospital gown, hooked up to an IV tree, waiting for the coordinator to come in and tell me that it was time.  That was my being and that being influenced everything that I was doing.  I never got bored.  I never got down.  After I embraced my being, my doing ran on automatic pilot.  God was carrying the heavy load, and all I was doing was following.